The Awkward Girl' Guide to the Week | In Which There Are Injuries

The Sad Tale of the Laundry Basket and the Leg

One of my less aspirational festive traditions is the one in which I somehow contrive to injure or disfigure myself just in time for Christmas, or some other important event. Last year, for instance, I burned my hand while attempting to fill a hot water bottle, creating a vivid red blister that rendered my Christmas manicure kind of pointless, really, because who cares about your nails when your hand looks like it just died?

A few years ago meanwhile, I celebrated the first Christmas in our new house by burning my face with TCP (long story, but yes, you can do that, apparently…) mere days before the housewarming party which would require me to show said face to literally everyone I knew.

This year, however, I decided to break with tradition, and, instead of burning myself, I did this instead:

And there’s a matching one on the back of that leg, too. Ho ho ho.

So, yeah, in the kind of freak accident that can only happen to me, I put my leg through a laundry basket. A LAUNDRY BASKET, people. Not for me an easily-explained accident that could have happened to anyone; nope, leave it to Amber to injure herself in a weird, and kind of awkward way, really.

Here is the culprit, pictured minutes after the incident, because, yes, I took a photo of my damaged laundry basket, what of it?

(In other news, we need a new laundry basket now…)

So, it was about an hour before we had to leave the house for the first party of the season, and, me being me, even though I’d had all day to get ready for it, I’d left it until the last possible minute to get into the shower. When I was done, I propped my leg up on the laundry basket — as is my habit — to apply some lotion to my legs, and the next thing I knew there was a loud cracking sound, and I was literally up to my knees — well, knee — in laundry.

GOD.

“Well, I guess I’m not going to be wearing that sparkly skirt I’d planned, then,” I thought, carefully pulling my leg out of the jagged plastic hole and watching the blood trickle down it. And no, guys: no, I was not. Because that skirt required bare legs (I did try it with tights, but nah…), and now I had managed to make myself look like Carrie on prom night.

GAH.

Although they weren’t particularly deep cuts, fortunately, they were both bleeding from multiple places, and would not stop, so by the time I got myself patched up and otherwise ready, there was just enough time for me to throw on an old pair of trousers (to cover the mangled leg) and this jumper before we had to leave. I did try to make the look a little more festive with sequined shoes and bag, but SERIOUSLY, folks: leave it to me to spend WEEKS planning a party outfit, only to end up wearing trousers and a freaking JUMPER instead, like an office worker grudgingly attending the Christmas party while making it clear that she will not be staying a minute past her official finishing time.

Anyway.

Awesome thought that photo of my leg is, the point of this newsletter was not, in fact, to tell you The Sad Tale of the Laundry Basket and the Leg, but to let you know that this will mostly likely be the final newsletter of 2023, as it will now require every last drop of energy in me to drag myself to the end of the year and beyond it — particularly given that Max’s 6th birthday has now morphed from “just a few relatives” to “let’s invite everyone we know, and even some people we don’t!”

(Speaking of Max’s birthday, apologies for confusing everyone with last week’s newsletter, in which I failed to make it clear that the Titanic model was not just something we’d randomly bought, hoping he’d like it, but was, in fact the One Gift he’d been asking for repeatedly… right up until the Santa visit that week, during which he’d abruptly decided he wanted something else. The Titanic was also a very, very expensive gift, which would be an unfortunate precedent to set for a birthday, so the upshot is that he’s now getting both the Titanic AND Air Force One for Christmas, and a bowl of gruel for his birthday…)

That being the case, I just wanted to take a moment to say a quick thank-you to everyone who’s subscribed to the newsletter this year (or continued to subscribe, if you’re a long-time reader). As most of you know, 2023 hasn’t been an easy year for us financially, and I’m not exaggerating when I say your support is literally the only reason I’ve continued to write here, rather than just jacking it all in and getting a ‘real’ job. (JK, I would never do that…)

With that in mind, I’m always looking for new ways to make this newsletter better for you, so if there’s anything in particular you’d like to see from me, please feel free to drop me a comment, and I’ll do my very best for you — assuming, of course, that it doesn’t involve laundry baskets…

In the meantime, I hope you all have a very happy Christmas if you’re celebrating, and an enjoyable next-two-weeks if you’re not. See you next year!